She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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