ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
