I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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