I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
