Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
