And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
