some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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