im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
