i think my tv is drunk
I think my fart just growled at me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
