Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
