Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize