My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
