Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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