The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
