I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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