people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
