her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
