Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
