mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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