wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
