"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
