According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
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Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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