I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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