saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
