Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize