Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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