Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize