I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
