If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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