Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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