I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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