Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
