I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
