He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
