So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
