Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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