I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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