Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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