You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
