I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
