So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
