I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
