i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
