A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize