I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
