you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
