Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
