If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
