woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
