You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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