this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
