Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
