There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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