Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
