And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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