Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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