Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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