Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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