when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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