she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
