I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
