HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
