Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
