I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Pants are for mortals
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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