i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
