i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
