I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
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