apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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