oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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