His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize