Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
