she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
